Seventy Thoughts on Turning Seventy

When Bubbe and Pop Pop Divorce

I've been wanting to write about this for a long time, but I couldn't find my way into the subject. But an incident which occurred over the holidays forced me to take a hard look my divorce through the eyes of my grandchildren - something I had not given much thought to before.

As someone whose long term marriage ended when my former husband and I were both in our sixties, we weren't just Mom and Dad to two children we'd raised; we were also Bubbe and Pop Pop to four grandchildren now ages 5-11.

However at the time we were laying the groundwork for our separate futures, one grandchild hadn't yet been born, two were only a year old and the oldest was just four. Their understanding of our divorce was not central in our minds.

As we were working through the details of our settlement and post marital relationship, we knew that our divorce would have an impact on our adult children and that it would raise serious concerns for them about the future of our family. Both our son and daughter shared their new concerns about their parents aging alone, but they made it clear that their primary worry was that they wouldn't have to take sides and we could all continue to gather as a family for holidays and special events. We did our best to assure them that we were still loving friends and devoted parents and would continue to function as such in the future.

Wanting to honor the 40 years of our marriage and what we had built together, as well as express our continued love and gratitude to each other for our contributions to the life we shared, we co-wrote a codicil to our divorce agreement - a personal statement which outlined our shared intentions for a loving post-marital life.

Here is an excerpt which we co wrote and signed with love:

"Though we are dissolving our marriage and financial connection, we want to reaffirm our friendship, deep love and the respect that grew throughout our many years together. Most

important is our role as parents and grandparents and our devotion to our family. We will never allow anyone or anything to come between all of us. We wish each other the best in the next

chapter of our lives, remaining loving and supportive."

We went back and forth about whether to include the line about never allowing anyone coming between us and our family. My husband didn't think it was necessary. He said it went without saying that he'd never become involved with anyone who would make that kind of trouble for him and his family. I understood and believed him, but I also had the sad and painful experience of being cut off from my father because of his new wife's selfish insecurities. So I needed the words.

It's one thing to agree to something in theory. It's quite another when it becomes a reality.

My former husband was the first one to have a significant other that he wanted to include in family gatherings. He became serious with a lovely, age appropriate woman. As his former wife, I was happy for him and looked forward to meeting her one day.

But as a grandmother, I was uncomfortable with her meeting and interacting with my grandchildren. And I became even more uncomfortable when he included her in family gatherings, vacations and parties without any initial conversation with our children about how the grandchildren were supposed to understand who Pop Pop's new friend was supposed to be to them.

The failure to have these discussions led to inevitable confusion.

After attending a family Hanukah party with Pop Pop's family and his friend, ( we'll call her Debbie) my four year old granddaughter announced at dinner with her aunt and cousin, "I LOVE Debbie!" It was as heartfelt, pure and genuine as it was surprising. Especially to her cousin my seven year old granddaughter who had her own heartfelt assertion.

"Bubbe thinks Debbie is trying to replace her."

Whoa.

My son was angry at me because he was sure those words came from me. My daughter and I recalled a conversation we' had after she and my granddaughter met Debbie for the first time. It was my granddaughter's birthday when she and my daughter were visiting Pop Pop in Florida , and he brought them both to Debbie's house where she made a little birthday celebration. I expressed my concern that maybe this was a little confusing and inappropriate and my daughter chose to alleviate my fears by saying that the grandkids were now calling Debbie Bubbe. She has a mordant sense of humor.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

After hearing his niece's words, my son sat me down for a good talking to. He wanted me to know what the grandchildren were saying about Pop Pop and Debbie and how it was important for him that his children be allowed to have their own authentic feelings about a person who was nice to them. While I agreed with him, I did express that if his father had initiated a conversation about how he saw Debbie's relationship with his family, it could have avoided bad feelings and confusion.

Later when I called my former husband, we had a nice talk. He told me it went without saying that Debbie wasn't trying to replace me or to even be a grandmother to his grandchildren. She was just being nice. I told him that sometimes things might need to be said and maybe he could talk to his children about that. When we were married, those kinds of talks were my job so maybe in this new season of our family, he might need to do a little more talking.

I also told him that both his children told me what a nice woman Debbie is and what a good match she is for their father. "It's like he found. a female version of himself," my son said. Outgoing, social, active, athletic. And I told him again how happy I am for him. I also told him I would have a talk with our seven year old granddaughter to alleviate any guilt she might feel about how being nice to Debbie would somehow hurt Bubbe.

Last night I went on line looking for research and advice for how to help grandchildren make sense of their grandparents' divorce. And even though the "silver divorce" is on the rise, there is little to no information about helping grandchildren through this passage.

The Bubbes and Pop Pops, Grandmoms and Grandpops, Nanas and Nonnos will have to make this lroad by walking. And our choices for inclusion of new friends or partners made with our grandchildren's best interests in mind, will provide a roadmap for others navigating this new terrain.

I've been spending a lot of time with my son's children this winter. The other night, at dinner, with no context nor prompting, my four year old granddaughter exclaimed, " I love Bubbe AND Debbie!" Her parents held their breath and looked at me nervously.

"And we love you!" I said and gave her a big hug while she giggled in delight.

I would love to hear your thoughts, stories, experiences, wisdom, questions about this. With silver divorce on the rise, it's not going away any time soon.

Below - Bubbe and Pop Pop with grandson 2018