What's in a name? Part 1

Giving myself permission

What's in a name? Part 1

Names are complex living entities. It has taken me a lifetime to understand my own.

They are part of our identity. but they don't define us. We are given a name at birth, generally chosen by our parents. The name reflects their values, connections to the family lineage, contemporary trends in popular culture, hopes and dreams for their offspring.

Some parents are bound by religious and cultural naming traditions, with strict rules about gender and birth order, honoring the living or memorializing the dead.

In the Ashkenazi Jewish American tradition into which I was born, children are named for the dead. They are given English first and middle names, to be used publicly and legally, as well as Yiddish or Hebrew names to be used among family and in all religious rituals. To honor the dead, American Jews of that time would give the newborn a first name that begins with the same letter as the name of the deceased.

I was named Marsha Ann Rosenzweig in 1952. The letter M honored my father's deceased Uncle Morris and the letter A honored my mother's beloved grandfather Abraham who died when she was sixteen. I have no idea why my father got the honor of giving me my first name to memorialize his relative, nor did I ever hear any stories about my namesake.

The name Marsha is very much a product of a particular time. In 1952 it was among the top 100 names for American girls. It gained notoriety in the 1970's with the tv show the Brady Bunch with that infamous exhortation, "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha" uttered in frustration by her younger sister named Jan. ( aside - my sister's name is Janet, a subject for another reflection!) There is a "vintage" feel to my name, as it quickly sank to the bottom of the name's list soon after my birth.

My name dates me and places my life story in a particular time and place- mid century post WWII middle class America.

If you look up the meaning of Marsha you will find this definition - "warlike; derived from Mars, the Roman God of War. The name Ann which is derived from Hannah in Hebrew and means "grace" in English was the most popular middle name for girls throughout the 1950's.

For much of my life. I didn't pay attention to my middle name. I was however obsessed with the meaning of my first name, and I took great pride in being a warrior - pugnacious, fierce, and strong. I didn't pay much attention to my middle name. In fact, once I married and took my husband's name ( also another essay topic! ) I erased Ann completely from my identity and substituted my maiden name as my official middle one.

Sometime during my Saturn's Return, - my post mid-life breakdown and subsequent shift, I found myself feeling alienated from my name. I disliked the way it marked me culturally and locked me into others' associations with my name, but what i really hated the most was its connection to war. After carrying anger as a form of self defense for over fifty years, I was ready to lay it all down. I began to pay more attention to my erased middle name, reflecting on the meaning of 'grace."

I don't know why it took decades for me to make the connection between the meaning of my middle name and my childhood address: 9234 Grace Lane. But this shift from a warrior identity to one which contemplates grace is part of individuation and acceptance of the seemingly contradictory parts of my psyche. Marsha Ann. War and Grace.

As a girl and even later in my adult life, I was always confused by my Hebrew name. I was told it was Marsha Hannah, and while Hannah part made sense, I had no idea of how Marsha could be my Hebrew name. I always felt a bit like an imposter when it was used in Jewish rituals - like I wasn't legitimately Jewish without a real Yiddish or Hebrew name.

My understanding of and discomfort with the meanings of and associations with my name stayed with me through my 60's.

About a month before my 70th birthday, I attended a weekend workshop on Depth Psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute.

A chance encounter with a stranger at breakfast changed everything. I sat across the table from a very gregarious, extroverted Israeli man. When I told him my name, he asked, "Do you know what Marsha means in Hebrew?" I told him I had no idea that it had any connection to Hebrew at all. He said, " Marsha means "permission" in Hebrew, and the feminine form of the name literally means, "she who permits."

"It's a very powerful name,' he said as he got up, leaving me alone at the table, wondering if I had imagined the encounter.

Later in the day, when I had free time, I googled מרשה and learned that everything my Israeli messenger had told me was true. My name was indeed a Hebrew word after all, and one with many layers of meaning.

I can't say that I have a complete understanding of my name now, but I do know two things -- 1) at this time of life, I feel more connected to and comfortable with a name that is associated with compassion and permission than aggression and war, and 2) I am enjoying exploring the ways in which "permission" has been a recurring theme in my life story.

How have I been seeking permission from others my whole life without realizing that I have the power to grant permission to myself?

Lots of questions still. I have met many people who have changed their own names, shedding the identity their parents gave them and creating new sounds and syllables to represent themselves to others. There was a time when I wanted rename myself. For a while, I wanted to be Elizabeth, a name that had regal associations instead of plebeian pop culture ones. I toyed with renaming myself Marsha St. Anne, as a way of erasing my Jewishness. ( I was a little shocked to discover that St. Anne was Jesus' grandmother and the mother of Mary -- all, of course, Jews. ) I tried to give myself cute nicknames like Micky or Marnie or Marcy. but none of them stuck.

I may be forever Marsha Ann, but what that means is as mutable and paradoxical as a koan, designed to get one's mind beyond binary and fixed thinking.

What's in your name? What has it meant to you in your life?